Starstruck

Who's awkward?  This girl right here...

When I was little, I was called shy.  When I got a little older, I was an introvert.  Now I'd say I lean more to the socially awkward end of the spectrum.  Friends and family tell me this isn't true, but they don't live inside my head and hear the non-stop chatter of hypothetical situations.  Honestly, it's getting a bit loud in here.  I'm perfectly fine with polite conversation. How are you?  How's the weather?  I'm even better if I know one small fact about you.  Oh, you just got back from Jamaica? Tell me all about it.  Oh, you have an affinity for small hairless cats?  Well, I'd love to hear all about that.  (Honestly, I really don't care about the cats so much, but it's something to hold on to.)

However, if I were to be dropped next to you at a wedding and you and I have never met before, you would now be responsible for the remainder of the evening's conversation because I got nothing. I may ask how you know the bride/groom. I'm not that challenged But aside from that, I'd be OK with sitting there quietly enjoying my meal and my cake.  

There are just far too many unknowns. And far too many embarrassing things can happen in these situations for my liking. It really is quite like a minefield.  A minefield, everyone else has seemingly mastered while I'm still tip-toeing around the edge.  Now you may think this sounds awful.  It is.  It's certainly not debilitating and I have friends and family that love me, so I'm doing OK.  However, I'm about to tell you how this all gets worse.  This right here, only happens in the presence of normal everyday people.  Peers, work acquaintances, blind dates - that sort of person.  

The craziness multiplies in the presence of the stars - be it local, Broadway, television, authors, or anyone in between.  Pretty much anyone I admire.  People that are on Broadway stages or television sets  or book covers, that wouldn't know me from Adam, but whom I know lots about because they're stars and I read. These are the people, for which the affliction does become overly ridiculous.  Even I know how bad it is in my messed up head.  Yet, that doesn't stop me. I become a crazy person in their mere presence and therefore have a strict no interaction policy. No stage door.  No book signings.  No meet and greets. No Con photo-ops.  Nothing.  I admire from a far so as to not inflict these lovely people with my ridiculousness.  

Also, I really do not want to be "that girl"; the one these lovely people tell their friends about over a nice glass of wine, that stuttered her way through a simple hello and turned a delightful shade of red during the stilted conversation.  "That girl" is the reason I have my strict no interaction rule.  Told you it was crazy up in here.  Anyway, please let me really show you what happens when I don't abide my own rules, in 2 fairly simple vignettes.

1. Stage Door for First Dates starring Zac Levi and Krysta Rodriguez (to name a few)

My best friend loves Zac Levi.  I am a fairly good best friend so we went to see First Dates.  I promised her that I would do stage door with her, if only because she needed a photographer.  I was promised I wouldn't need to make small talk or even speak really.  She had it covered.  These were the terms I agreed to.  While we were waiting for Zac, he stressed to everyone to remember to turn their cameras on.  This is a fairly important piece of information to my emotional well-being at the time of this photo-op. Well, Zac finally gets to us and he's polite and gracious.  Now it's my turn to take the photo.  Of course, my camera which I was sure was on, was not. So there was about 30 seconds of me trying to figure out how to turn the darn thing on - apologizing profusely under my breath, while the bestie chatted away like nothing was wrong.  I finally figured it out and took the picture.  Then, ever so kind Zac, asked me if I'd like a photo.  A normal person would have said sure, even if said normal person didn't really need a photo.  I, on the other hand, said "No, that's ok..." turned around and walked away.  Who does that?  It turns out I do.

2. Studio 54 seeing The Songs of Lewis Flynn with Patti Murin, Nicholas Barasch and Andrew Rannells (to name a few)

This was just last night, so this one is especially raw.  I've been to one other show at 54 Below by myself.  That time, I was seated with 2 other girls who were also there alone, and we chatted all evening.  We were seated to the right of the stage, far away from the area where the stars were hanging out between songs.  It was lovely.  Last night, I was seated at a table all by my lonesome, directly in front of the "star staging area", let's call it.  They were all seated about 2 feet behind me. This, for some reason, stressed me out, which meant I was so much less human than I usually am.  First, I refused to turn around.  I didn't want to risk making a weird face or seeing them do something they didn't want me to see.  Next, I barely ate my dinner and dessert because my stomach was so upset from stress.  Then I dropped my phone which slid all the way down my leg and onto the floor, directly in their walking path.  So I got out of my seat, without making eye contact once, and picked up my phone. Last, as soon as the show was over, I darted to the restroom - without making eye contact again - and then left.  It was awful.  By trying to not be that girl, I probably became that girl.  "Remember that shifty weirdo?  What was up with her?"

Now do you see why I stay far away from these lovely people?  It's just safer for everyone involved that way. Restraint can be a wonderful thing. It's why these fabulous actors are great at what they do.  However, if it gets too far inside your head. It can really mess it up in there. So, don't be like me, dear readers.  Be a normal person - crazy is just too much work...